Mr. Overcompensation

Well, it's no secret that dating is hard and tedious. It is equally as hard to find a good man out and about as it is to find one online. Oh yes, I am an online dater. I have tried a few different sites and the thing that I like most about online dating is that it allows you to do some basic screening. Mind you, people lie all the time...whether it be in person or online...but you have to start somewhere right? For instance, I can immediately weed out the smokers, work-out-a-holics, slackers, shorties (sorry I like em taller than me in heels), creepy old men looking for significantly younger women and the unintelligent players just lookin for some boo-tay, by perusing their profile.

However, sometimes the really slick ones slip through the cracks and I end up going on the date from hell.

Enter Mr. Overcompensation.

On his profile he looks successful, clean cut, says he's a non-smoker and is only a few years older than my usual cut off age. I should have known right after finishing our first short phone convo that I was in for trouble. He just sounded like a player. I completely ignored the nagging feeling in my stomach that said "don't go out with this guy, he's an overgrown kid with way too many toys," but I guess I felt like it was time for an adventure.

On our second phone convo, Mr. O said that he would pick me up...never advisable on a first date, but I had a temporary lapse in sanity...in his car (would I like to take the BMW or the Hummer? hahaha) and we would go to his yacht to watch the sunset and have a glass of wine. Then, we would go get his motorcycle and cruise around town. That was the plan...we never made it to the motorcycle.

OK, in my defense, I had already committed to going out before the cheeseball made the crazy over the top first date plans. I mean really, why does this man throw it all out there on the first date? But I thought...how bad can it be?

Never, ever, ever go into a date if you are thinking "how bad can it be." You should be thinking "wow, I'm really excited to meet this man."

The day of the date, Mr. Overcompensation arrives in his shiny, freshly detailed, limited edition BMW and I am not impressed. First of all he is late...so late that we are missing the sunset! Secondly, he looks like a trendy pirate with his scruff and hoop...yes, i said hoop...earrings. I am definitely of the opinion that grown men (unless a rockstar or gay) should never wear hoop earrings. I could barely look at him and his overly gelled hair. Anyway, we drive to the marina, start the long walk down the dock and he quickly informs me that he has the most prestigious boat slip on the lake and that he really made it classy. Gag! If you think purple vinyl and animal print is classy then this would be your dream come true. I, on the other hand, thought it was tacky. Money doesn't buy class.

My only solace is the fabulous wine I am about to drink. When we break out the bottle, I immediately pour myself a glass and down a few sips. Unfortunately the self proclaimed non-smoker lights up a cig and spoils it for me. I tell him that I was under the impression that he didn't smoke and he says "I'm a man and I can do what I want." Hahahaha. I say, "I appreciate the fact that you're a man but it would be really great if you didn't smoke too much around me." He repeats the "I'm a man" thing and lights up another...he was chain smoking the whole night...lucky me.

After he gives me a tour of the yacht and we take a seat on the couch inside, he picks up his electric guitar and starts playing. I didn't ask to hear him play but I'm well aware that men courting women often do what they can to show off. Apparently, he tried the whole rocker thing when he was younger but was "robbed" when another band stole his band's sound. Sure they did. He isn't bad and I don't have to talk to him while he's playing so that's a plus.

When Mr. Overcompensation finally stops with the musical stylings, he proceeds to tell me all about himself....at length. I love learning about people and their life experiences, but this convo is completely one sided. I try to look bored so he will stop talking but I don't think the glazed look plastered on my face has any effect on the chatty yachtsman. Well, all I can do is drink my wine and nod my head and hope for him to tire of hearing his own voice.

When the wine is gone, and he is still talking, I take that as my cue to interject and ask to be taken home. Guess what he says...NO! No? Who says no to a women who politely asks to be taken home. At this point I am flabbergasted! He walks out of the yacht and starts to clean up the slip area. I follow him and say, I'm really tired and I'd like to go home. He tells me to be patient and wait till he's done. This, my friends, is what you would call a major douchbag.

He finally finishes and we get into the car to go home. On the way, he asks me if I'm hungry and I say "no, I really just want to get home." So what does he do? He stops by Sonic to get some food for himself. No asking if I mind if he stops for food for himself...he just stops and makes me wait again. I'm really pissed but I'm still being cordial because I don't want him to turn into a psycho or anything. I mean, I don't really know if this man is sane or not and I'm not taking any chances!

Then, Mr. O asks me a question from left field. He says, "so, do you think you'd be a good mother?" What??? He hasn't asked me a question about myself all night and now he wants to know if I think I'd be a good mother...like he's thinking I want to have his kids or something. What kind of a question is that? What is this guy's deal? Why is he even bringing up motherhood on a first date? When we finally arrive at my house, I make my exit as quickly as possible and heave a huge sigh of relief!

Needless to say, I will not be going out with Mr. Overcompensation again. Let this be a lesson to all of you...always drive your own car on a first date! Also, if it sounds too good to be true, they're probably lying!

Until next time,
BB